Yesterday my daughter and her fiancé informed me that they are moving out into tgeir own place next week. I asked my son if he is also moving and he said probably. I am hurt and dissapointed about the way they told me, if I didn't ask it to make conversation I problably would have heared about this next week, just before they move.



Yes I am happy for them, everybody wants there children to be happy! Now I'm feeling they turned their backs on me, now that I need them the most. Selfish, yes and no. I raised them and fought and protect them. Now I'm sick. I'm a shadow of the person I was. Because of stress, depression and sickness. This was a hard road till now, and now that I must go for surgery to repair my neck, now I don't have them, to rely on, to help me. 

The only persons left to help me is my husband 52, working a nine hour job each day and my daughter 10 years old.

Let me tell you about my struggles since last year. How I hurt my neck, I can't say for sure. The only thing I know is that I was continuesly sick last year. Feeling like flu. Went to drs. In and out all the time. Then I'm fine for a few days and then everything's starting all over again. Then I started getting megraine. Something that I never got before. Went to the doctor again. Then he found that I have a neck injury. After this I went to the state hospital, the first doctor said I have stress and gave me a huge amount of pills. Vitamine, Anti-depressants ex. Finished the pills and struggling with headaches, spasms in my neck and shoulder. I couldn't turn my neck. Then I went back again one evening to the ER. After the doctor lecture me because I didn't have a real emergency, he told me to return the next day to go for a X-Ray. I returned and went for the X-Ray. They found I've got discs what was injured and shifted out. He referred me to see a Orthepedic Surgeon in another State Hospital in a town about 120km from my home. I went there about 2 weeks later when my appointment was made. (This was last November 2014). 

I was there just after 5h00 am the morning. There was 2 Orthepedic Surgeons and I didn't get to see anybody. The one assistant know I waited there a long time and referred me back to my town for physiotherapy and with a hand full of pain pills and vitamins and make another appointment a month later. (December 2014).

Meantime I starting struggling with other symptoms. Sometimes I had the shakes in my hands. My hands gets needles and pins. My hands felt dumb. Things slipping from my hands. Neck pain everyday. Headaches, and a pressure pain at the back of my head. I can't do things that I usually did. I can't sit infront of my computer, not even for a few minutes. My hand can't work the mouse. I can't clean my house like I used to, even small tasks like hanging curtains was to difficult because of my neck pain. I started loosing my balance, I was scared I'm going to get hurt.

I went for the physio and it did help with the spasms. She tought me exercises to do everyday.

December 2014 I went back to see the Orthepedic Surgeon. The doctor looked at the X-Ray and asked me few questions and told his assistant to make a appointment for me to go for a MRI. The assistant gave me a date in January 2015 to be there again. I thought I'm going back for the MRI. 

Went back in January 2015 just to see the same Orthepedic Surgeon again. To tell me the same things. But this time he completed the refference letter for me himself. He told me his assistant will call me when she maked the appointment for me to go the another State Hospital, 320km from my home. Then she will fax the ref letter to me. 

I was upset, because why didn't they do it the month before? But we drove the 120km back home and then the waiting started. After a week I emailed the assistant manager of the hospital. 6 weeks later she responded to my email. Since then she make work of it and the following day I received the referral letter and a date to go for the MRI. That was the next week.

My daughter's fiancé arrange for leave to take me for the MRI. So I went. They gave me a cd with the photo's of the MRI-SCAN of my C-Spine. On the way back to my house we went past the hospital where the Orthepedic Surgeon is situated. So I dropped the cd at his offices.

 It took a week before the doctor called me about the results. If I am prepared I can go for surgery to repair my neck. There are 2 options, or the doctor removed the discs and fused my neck with steal plates and screws or they could replace the discs with artificial discs. And I also have arthritis in my neck. But I must go back to the Hospital 320km from my home to see the Neuro Surgeon, because they operate on your neck. A week later the assistant called me with my appointment date. 25 May 2015. 

Today I'm waiting patiently. I decided to go for the surgery just to live again. To do normal stuff. Not to drink pain killers everyday, just to get through the day.

Then my husband and the children got me a domestic worker 3 times a week, just to help with the cleaning.

They came home each day, tired after a days work and don't want to clean the house. And my daughter and fiancé, and my husband arrange to cook dinner every second day. And that evening another person pack their lunch. And I thought that worked well.

But now the children said they are moving out next week....

I had to let the domestic worker go, we can't afford to pay it on my husband's salary. So now the only help left are my husband and my 10 year old daughter. They are not complaining, although I know they don't always wants to do things.

But it's still 2 months before I must go and see the surgeon. Then I must go for the operation. Without any family close to me, thats going to be tough.

I know I'm difficult. I snapped at nothing, I sleep most of the time, I am real depressed, I feel I am only in everybody's way. Financial it's also putting a strain on me because of the money to go to see the doctors and it's so far. I struggle with God, I can't understand why He put this on me. I'm young, 39, a mother and a wife. Now I'm pushing everybody away with my depression and unhappiness. Now I got more stress, how am I going to go to see the doctor if the children didn't take me. How are my husband and daughter going to cope with everything? Isn't it better if I'm not there? Then I'm not a strain on anybody's happiness. Then they all can live again. What if I go for the surgery and I still have pain everyday? What if I would never be myself again? What if I hurt myself again? What am I going to do for 6 weeks with the recovery, after the operation?